“A lot of the time, people don’t apologize simply because these self-defensive processes kick in and they come up with all kinds of reasons why they shouldn’t apologize,” Schumann says. When someone is upset with you, it’s common to shift into self-protection mode and to trick yourself into believing you didn’t do anything wrong. Chief among them is a desire to see yourself as a good person - and for others to consider you morally just, too. There are a number of other psychological barriers preventing people from apologizing, according to Karina Schumann, a professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh. On the contrary, a successful apology can bring people closer together and can improve the apologizer’s standing with the receiver, Hubbard says. Some view apologizing as admitting defeat and thereby lowering their social status others think it tarnishes their reputation. People are hesitant to apologize because they falsely believe it affects how outsiders perceive them, says ‪ Amy Ebesu Hubbard‬, a professor at the University of Hawaii Manoa School of Communication and Information. Good apologies are notoriously hard to come by, partly because of an inherent resistance to making them in the first place. However, the biggest obstacle to apologetic bliss isn’t a complicated argument - it’s self-protective motivations. Relationships are messy and both parties often have some level of culpability. For the rest of us, apologizing is a common, if difficult, part of life.Īmong the earliest lessons imparted to children is the art of saying sorry, yet these skills don’t always transfer neatly to adulthood.

If you can’t remember the last time you apologized: congratulations, you are perfect - or at least you believe you are.

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